The Altitude Talks Podcast

Taming Your Inner Critic and Getting Unstuck

• Alissa Duhon • Season 11 • Episode 1

Share episode

Transform your relationship with your inner critic and unlock a new level of personal growth. Join me, Alissa, as we kick off a fresh season of Altitude Talks, where we dive into the complexities of self-reflection and self-worth. Discover practical strategies to silence the nagging voice of self-doubt that often holds us back. Together, we'll explore how shifting from self-criticism to self-acknowledgment can redefine your definition of success and reinforce your confidence.

Our journey this season takes us into the heart of internal roadblocks that keep us feeling stuck. With over 90% of these challenges stemming from within, it's essential to address the perfectionism, anxiety, and fear that cloud our path. Through self-awareness and proactive approaches, we can break free from outdated beliefs and embrace personal change. By normalizing these experiences and seeking support, we can overcome the paralysis of fear and move toward a more fulfilled existence. 

Small, intentional changes have the power to lead to big transformations. Whether you're navigating midlife transitions or simply seeking a fresh perspective, I'll share insights and personal stories that highlight the impact of minor adjustments, like shifting daily habits and embracing supportive communities. Together, we'll explore the importance of rest, reflection, and articulation of goals, paving the way for a life that reflects our true values and aspirations. Join our A-suite community for resources and connections that support your journey toward personal progress.

Copyright 2025 AlissaAvenue.com

Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Altitude Talks podcast, where we help you get back in the pilot seat of work and life. Learn helpful strategies for navigating the unpredictable twists and turns that come with the pursuit of happiness and work-life harmony. Here's your host seasoned success coach and applied positive psychology practitioner, alyssa Duhon.

Speaker 2:

Greetings everyone. Welcome to the new season of the Altitude Talks podcast. I'm your host, alyssa Duhon, founder and CEO of the Alyssa Avenue Company, and I'm elated to be back. I'm so excited because a lot of you have shared with us your feedback. You know from our groups and email and our DMs how the podcast series has helped you and you're ready for us to come back. So we decided not to delay. We had some other things that we had in the fire, but we decided that this was something that we had heard many of you share, that at the end of the week, it helps you You're cleaning or you're cooking or you're relaxing on Saturday and you like to listen to the podcast. So I thought that was just really amazing. That's my podcast time too. Either when I'm walking or when I am cleaning or organizing whatever, or even when I'm traveling. I'll listen to some of my favorite podcasts.

Speaker 2:

So many of you have been with us since Coffee with the Coach, and I'm happy to say that that is returning, and also the Cheap Chats series will be back. Both will be exclusive podcasts, meaning that you'll pay to subscribe. For those of you who are a suite members, you do not have to pay because you get access to this, those two series, within the a suite membership. So if you're interested in entrepreneurship podcasts, some of our signature system content, then you can subscribe through the standalone series and you'll be able to get access to that. Or you join the A-suite and you get both series. You get access to both of those, plus our library of content and resources and a lot of our signature systems and masterclasses. Isn't that awesome, right, yeah? So today we're going to talk about something that many of us are very familiar with, and the reason why we started this series off with helping you to get unstuck and helping you to silence your inner critic is because helping you to silence your inner critic is because there have been times when we've traveled through transitions and we don't necessarily take the steps necessary to, I guess, cleanse our mindset and reset like we should when things are happening, and so some of that residue from past seasons and things where we've kind of transitioned through, those changes in our lives or going through those valleys, valley experiences, have left us, you know, kind of edgy, and every now and then some of that stuff resurfaces, and so we hear it in our heads because, of course, our inner critic is always chattering.

Speaker 2:

Hear it in our heads, because of course our inner critic is always chattering, and then, if we leave it there too long, it'll start to become an issue and eventually we'll have to deal with the feelings of being, you know, feeling stuck and unsure of where we're going or where we were headed and you know, and things like that. So we're going to help you with that. So first we're going to attack this inner critic. So, quite honestly, we all carry around a critic, most of us carry around that critical voice, a critic that appears to be focused on making us miserable, right, or reminding us of our mistakes or our shortcomings.

Speaker 2:

But many times this inner critic lies to us. A lot of what it says to us is not the full truth. It may amplify some things or some mistakes that we've had, that we've experienced in the past, and, you know, out of that births some, I guess, beliefs of inadequacy. So we have to understand that our inner critic we can't control. We still have authority over that voice and it's going to take practice, of course, um, to tame the inner gremlin that starts to tell you things that aren't true about you or reminding you of things that you should put away and be done with. So life is simpler and more enjoyable. Enjoyable if, um, we can control and silence that inner critic, right? And if you spend some time and really listen to this critic, you'll be amazed by what you hear. You've never known anyone so negative or so odd than the inner critic.

Speaker 2:

I've even had clients come to me and say, after I've had them write down what the inner critic says and then fully examine the truth about it, they come to realize how incredibly insane that voice sounds sometimes, or how we actually are not always fully aware of how often it talks to us, right, or how it's talking in our minds. It just kind of comes and goes. It's almost fleeting, right. We'll think something, or we'll revisit something from the past, or we see someone from the past, or we'll pass that colleague in the hall, or just an ex or some situation that reminds us of something from before. And then pretty soon, here comes that inner critic.

Speaker 2:

It also happens in the present, when you are presented with an opportunity, or when something scares you, or perhaps you're about to make a big leap here, it comes to tell you all the ways in which you won't be successful, or, oh you know, it starts to strike fear and doubt into your mind to keep you from moving forward or taking that leap, right? So it's crazy, though, we hear that voice and yet we listen to that inner critic as if we're listening to an expert, and nothing could be further from the truth, right? So this is a few steps that we're going to share with you before we start talking about feelings of being stuck, because what happens if we continue to listen to the inner critic is what I like to kind of I compartmentalize the inner critic, and what I like to share with my clients is that here's a is a sort of a way that you can look at it where this inner critic is um, tameable and it and you have full authority over it. If you just never address it, it will say whatever, just right off the top of the dome, right? It'll say anything and more often than not, it's absolutely negative, pessimistic and it's untrue. Okay, it's always negative and pessimistic, and oftentimes it's absolutely negative, pessimistic and it's untrue. Okay, it's always negative and pessimistic, and oftentimes it's untrue, right? So you want to change how you view that internal dialogue. One of the first things you want to do is change how you view it. Number one. You want to listen to that inner critic dispassionately and just stop and listen for a minute. Just stop. Notice the things it says. It won't take long before you realize you're listening to a lunatic. You really are, in fact, listening to your own self-talk in general.

Speaker 2:

Imagine what you yourself say to yourself while you're watching television. So you're like, oh yeah, I love this movie, except the acting stinks, or um, and some parts are boring. Or I think I have to. I have time to go to the restroom and get a snack before, um, this starts to really get good. Or hey, the girl in this movie reminds me of you know so-and-so from high school. She always wore that weird kind of shirt or jewelry or whatever. Or I wonder if she's still married to Mike or whatever.

Speaker 2:

I should have gone to prom with him. By the way, I look fat in my prom dress and I never should have gone with Chris. I'm still overweight and I can barely get off the couch. And look, I'm sitting here doing nothing. Now I'm stuck so far down I feel like I'm behind. I wonder what so-and-so is doing in high school. I bet they're doing great. Wow, if my mom would have treated me differently, or she would have did this, or my dad would have did this for me, I wouldn't be in this position right now, I wouldn't be so addicted to eating or I wouldn't be in this situation in my life. And, by the way, that fool that I did end up with and had to break up with he's also at fault, because he did this to me and that to me. And, oh my God, look at me. I'm looking in the mirror right now and I look so overweight.

Speaker 2:

You see what happens? It is like completely off the rails, right? It so quickly takes you from where you are in your present down a ton of rabbit holes, and it's like full insanity. This voice will say anything. It will say anything, and it has the ability to make you that its perspective is reality, when, in fact, a lot of what we look at retrospectively, like when you take a look back, it's only just that one view, that one vantage point that we see, right. And oftentimes, when we look back, we've forgotten a whole lot of detail, and so your mind will fill in the blanks with whatever imagination you could come up with, and then it's never what it was right. A lot of times we remember things the way it never was. This happens too, when some people pass away and we just remember things about people and then when we hear other people talking about experiences, their view and their perspective is totally different.

Speaker 2:

So what would happen if you were sitting next to a person rambling like that? What would happen if you were, just like you, in an airport or you know, traveling someplace, or just it could be a friend. Or you're in a restaurant and this person's sitting by themselves. They're just rambling off the rails like that. You'd probably look for the nearest exit. You would be ready to move, like, help me, get away from this.

Speaker 2:

Yet this is the way we speak to ourselves oftentimes and we don't even realize it. So realize that you're listening to someone quote unquote. Quote unquote someone you'd avoid in real life, someone that you may not even be friend in real life. There's no reason to take self-talk seriously. But we drag this inner dialogue around with us like a hefty bag full of crap and we listen to it. We listen to it. So we're dragging this stuff along, we're allowing it to dictate our lives, we're allowing it to influence our decision-making, and it is a complete lunatic most of the times. All right.

Speaker 2:

So, number two ask yourself what you would say to someone in the same situation a child, a friend, a colleague. Or imagine what your best girlfriend would say to you, right? Or someone who really cares about you. The language, the comments and advice would be much different than what you say to yourself. It's funny how that happens. Right, we know exactly how to encourage, to motivate, to champion someone else when they are feeling, you know, fearful, doubtful, discouraged. But when it comes to ourselves and we allow our inner dialogue to speak to us, it's a totally different thing altogether. So, when your critical dialogue starts, I want you to ignore the criticism and consciously practice being as gentle and as fair with yourself as you would be if you were speaking to a really good friend or someone you genuinely care about, or a child. You should be that delicate with yourself.

Speaker 2:

Okay, number three remember all the times you were successful. Don't forget and a lot of people when we hear that word. There's another thing that we're going to speak about in this series. Everybody has their own definition of success. Not every person views success as having the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect job, perfect relationship, gobs of money, right. All of that is wonderful, but not everybody defines success that way, and so I want you to remember all the times you were successful when you made wonderful decisions, when you were able to make progress in your life, when you were productive at work, when you were able to successfully make it from one particular situation to another, when you were able to transition. Even if it wasn't perfect, you got out of it and moved into a new area, or perhaps you shifted or pivoted in some way and you were able to do that. It might've been a not so pretty process or a journey, but you got there right and I want you to remember that. Remember the last time you said I'm going to exercise for 30 minutes and you exceeded that goal. Remember all the times you were successful.

Speaker 2:

I have some psychologists, colleagues and friends, and they believe it requires 10 positive experiences to overcome one bad experience. You've heard that right before. There's statistics behind that. So you want to take a couple of minutes each day to remember all the amazing things you've accomplished. It could be what I've accomplished in the last 30, 60, 90 days. It could be all the things I've accomplished in the last six months to a year, or in the last one to three years, or three to five years. Write it down, take the time necessary to write down the things that you've successfully moved through, some of the situations that probably weren't favorable for you anymore.

Speaker 2:

And I don't want you to define them and go that was easy or that was nothing, or that's just regular living, or I do that all the time. No, I don't want you to do that, because what that inner critic is trying to do is make you discount your accomplishments. There it goes again. Right, it starts to make you feel like you haven't really done much, like, come on, it's not that big deal, it's not a big deal, anybody could have done that. And there it goes.

Speaker 2:

You see how quickly that inner critic will hijack your thinking. It will also try to hijack the way you speak, right, and it's there so that it can take control of your mindset, take control of your hands and your feet, and pretty soon everything you're saying to yourself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And then that inner critic, you've given it life and now it lives in your present. Okay, so, things that happened in your past. It'll remind you of it. And then pretty soon you're re-experiencing these things and you don't know why.

Speaker 2:

So I want you to understand that there are accomplishments that you probably have diminished or you've discounted because of that inner critic or because of an outer critic too. You have to be like we have people out there who don't want to see us succeed, and so the first thing they do is douse you with cold water or rain on your parade, or however you want to view it, and they're trying to make you feel like you're not doing much of anything. But this is about the inner critic on the inside, because you can control that voice. You can control that voice. So you want to take a couple of minutes, and then I want you to absolutely take the time necessary. I don't care if it's 10 things, five things, three things, I don't care if it's if you take up a whole page.

Speaker 2:

I want you to list your accomplishments from every area of your life. Every area of your life your finances, your kids, your relationships, your career, your exercising, the way you were successfully able to navigate a situation with someone difficult or you were able to clearly make decisions without allowing distractions to keep you from procrastinating on that, or just write them down. Write down whatever comes to mind that is an accomplishment, and do it without allowing the inner critic to hijack you with what someone else may define as successful or that's not a big deal. Don't do that. Okay, all right, you want to take a couple minutes to do that? In fact, with diligence, this can become a habit If you practice this every day.

Speaker 2:

You guys, there is not a week that goes by that I do not write in my gratitude journal. I always write in my journal. I absolutely write about answer prayers. I write about my accomplishments and the things that did go right. I don't just write down well, here's a list of stuff that didn't go good, or here's the ways in which I failed or whatever. I don't do that. So you don't want to subscribe to that right, because now you're subscribing to negativity and pessimism. This is to help you, to encourage you to move forward. Now it's necessary, during specific times, to talk about and work on our weaknesses.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

And to move forward by acquiring more knowledge and polishing our skills. Those are all important, but right now we're talking about this, so as soon as a negative thought enters your mind, you can instantly think of something positive instead. This is a habit. This is something that you can practice. This is a skill that you can sharpen, okay, so you don't have to be perfect at it at first, but as soon as you hear that inner critic and it's going to take some practice, let me tell you, because the inner critic has been with us for so long, since we were children, and oftentimes we don't even realize that it's talking. We think it's our own thoughts, absolutely. You know we're thinking, and it's just it's there to keep to remind you of, like, all the things that went wrong or why you, you aren't where you need to be or whatever. It's been there our whole lives, just about. So you want to practice reframing what you say to yourself as well, and this is one of the ways in which you can do that. You want to journal out your accomplishments and you want to also talk about well, actually, you want to journal those negative thoughts as well, and then you replace them with more positive ones. Right, reframe what you're saying and then, or what the inner critic is saying, and rewrite this and rewrite this, rewrite, rewrite this, so, and you want to write it down. Reframe it and instead of just hearing your inner critic, um, and writing it down, you want to also read it. Read it and that way it'll help you understand. Like, what am I listening to here? What is this voice and what is it basically saying to me, and how often is it saying this to me? I'm telling you. Practicing that is helping you to become aware of how often this thing happens. That cycle in your brain happens, and then you can change it. It will seem less credible in a new format. Get it out of your head and on paper, okay. Next, you want to put the criticism to rest or actually put it to the test. Put it to the test.

Speaker 2:

What evidence do you have to support this negative statement? It's almost like you're sitting with someone outside of you and they're just giving you a bunch of negative stuff about someone else and you're going okay, I'm not going to take your word for it Instead. Instead, I want you to give me evidence, evidence. Show me the receipts, okay, and can you think of instances in the past where this statement was false? Right? So if you were more positive, how would you view this situation? These are questions that you ask. What can you gain from your current situation and what do you gain for being negative all the time? Right, everybody can answer that question, just about.

Speaker 2:

I know there are certain instances where we have to be, you know, use our critical thinking, and we know that certain things we have to say to ourselves that are the hard truths. But when these things are consistent and negative and you know there's no merit, there's no truth to them, you have to absolutely renew your mind, you have to practice taking control of that voice, and these are ways for you to do that. So can you think of instances in the past where this statement was false? And I know you can, I know we all can think of moments in our lives where these negative statements were absolutely false. So, keep your mind on today.

Speaker 2:

The past is of little value. Oftentimes, today and tomorrow, it's impossible to predict the future. So you want to keep your attention on making the most of today, right now, today's grace, and by doing that consistently, tomorrow will take care of itself, of course, and the more you do that, the less and less power that inner critic has, because you're not spending a bunch of time looking in the rearview mirror. You're looking ahead. There's a reason why the rearview is smaller than the windshield right, and you want to practice gratitude, be grateful. The easiest way to uplift your mood and your self-talk is to spend time feeling grateful. Feeling grateful for the things that you're blessed with and the things that you do have and the accomplishments that you have experienced. Okay, and you want to list those things in your life that fill you with feelings of gratitude and you want to revisit them often.

Speaker 2:

So remember your inner critic has very little to offer you and realize how silly that inner negative, pessimistic self-talk can be. And also realize that you never be friends with someone that spoke to you this way every day, someone who was relentless at telling you what you are, not how horrible you are, and diminishing and discounting everything you do, and you'd certainly never take their advice or take them seriously. You stay as far away from them as possible and many of us have actually severed ties with people who are actually like that. We've taken the time to cut away from people who were actually like that in real life, so why put up with it right in your mind? And you want to use these tips anytime and keep your inner critic in check? All right, I'm not saying that to use your critical thinking. That's very different from the inner critic.

Speaker 2:

Okay, you want to make sure that you take full authority over what's being said in your head and the thoughts that are going on in your mind, and you want to sharpen this habit and develop this habit of speaking more positively and more optimistic to yourself. Instead, be a fair witness to your life. Okay, and that way, your self-confidence and your success will soar, even in the midst of hard times, difficult times. You want to also acknowledge when the critic is. It's so easy when we're vulnerable, when we're going through something really terrible, when we do experience failure, we're going through something really terrible when we do experience failure. Here comes the inner critic. You want to make sure you take those thoughts captive and you want to practice that. You want to practice that every day. That way, the more you practice that muscle or that knee jerk reaction to immediately take an authority over that negative self-talk. When things really do become complicated or hurtful or vulnerable in life, you're able to withstand that, and the inner critic is not there to go. Yes, I'm taking over, okay. So that's part one of this.

Speaker 2:

The next part we're going to talk about is how this, can you know, absolutely make you stuck and not feeling stuck, and how you can get unstuck if you're already there, okay. So for those of us who are, you know, at a position in our lives where we've allowed this inner critic to just completely take over and now we're feeling stuck, this part will help you as well. And for those of you who are feeling like it keeps repeating itself and it's distorted your decision-making or your thinking and your mindset, these tips will help you as well. So we know that feeling stuck is common. We've heard that term before.

Speaker 2:

A lot of people always share how they're stuck in one or more areas of their lives. I hear this a lot with people in their careers. Or they feel stuck at some point in their personal lives because they want to accomplish more, or they're ready to transition from one relationship to another and they don't know how to go about doing that. Oftentimes, this happens, too, when we allow our inner critic to just take over our decision-making. So feeling stuck is absolutely common. It's normal. All of us experience it throughout the course of our like any season of our lives. We can, you know, have that happen, but it can also be an opportunity for growth. If you reframe this, it can be an opportunity for positive change to occur. So, when you encounter challenges, like at your work, in your career, in your relationships at home, with any personal goal you're trying to accomplish, it's important to recognize that there are actionable steps the word actionable is pivotal there Actionable steps that you can take to move yourself forward.

Speaker 2:

So we're going to share a few of those tips with you in a minute, but I wanted to share, too, that there are some surveys conducted by some psychologists that found that feeling stuck is nearly universal. It's an universal experience. Almost every human I won't say every human, but almost every human surveyed could identify an area of their lives where they felt stuck, and I think this was a psychologist, adam Atler, who conducted this particular study, and also I think this was in 2023. And he did this in Anatomy of a Breakthrough how to Get Unstuck when it Matters. So you can look that up if you want to. But almost everyone who was surveyed could identify an area of their lives where they felt stuck, like within 30 seconds. I'm pretty sure I can ask a group of people that I do it in groups a lot, and mostly everybody raises their hand. I do it in groups a lot, and mostly everybody raises their hand.

Speaker 2:

Over 90% of instances of feeling stuck were attributed to inner, internal roadblocks rather than external constraints. Isn't that interesting? We just talked about silencing the inner critic, right? And so over 90% of instances of feeling stuck were attributed to internal roadblocks, and most often than not, that inner critic is responsible, right? There's some workplace stagnation that people experience too when it comes to feeling stuck. So research on employee engagement also provided some insight into workplace related feelings of being stuck. So there was also a study approximately 70 percent of employees say their sense of purpose is largely defined by work. However, there are many employees that find themselves uninspired or disengaged at work, and that's suggesting a sense of stagnation or a feeling of being, of feeling stuck.

Speaker 2:

There's also factors contributing to feeling stuck when it relates to our emotions. So we've identified the inner critic, but there's those common thought patterns and emotions associated with feeling stuck are perfectionism coupled with anxiety or hopelessness. So if you give a voice to perfectionism, or if you give a voice to your anxiety or hopelessness. You'll hear that type of dialogue happening within yourself. Now I would absolutely suggest in these areas to seek therapy 100%. Get a counselor. They will help you to sort through that type of thing. All or nothing that is a thinking pattern that a lot of us also have experienced, where we have this fixed mindset. It's like either it's all going to happen this way or it's just doomed to fail, like nothing at all. We're either like the my way or the highway kind of thinking and we start to combine that with failures from the past, depression and anger. That will keep you feeling stuck.

Speaker 2:

Should statements paired with discouragement or feelings of worthlessness like I should have done this, I should be better, I should be further in my life or I should have done it this way instead of that way. When we do that, we're holding ourselves. It's almost like being in quicksand, because what can you do with a should right, woulda, coulda, shoulda? We hear our moms and our parents and our grandparents say that you have to kick those woulda coulda shouldas to the curb if you want to move forward right. I've heard that my entire life from my grandmother, who would always say you can't do anything with that you can't cash that at the bank. It's about what you're going to do now, and so being proactive and solution focused is the way forward.

Speaker 2:

A negative self-talk we just talked about that, the inner critic. It will lead to shame. It'll make you feel like, wow, I've not accomplished anything, or that imposter syndrome will kick in. It just comes with a whole lot of cousins. Okay, negative thinking. And that inner critic is not alone. There are many other kinfolk in that area that are ready to make you feel worse Doubt, fear, frustration, depression, anxiety, feelings of failure and discouragement, feelings of worklessness. They're all akin to the inner critic, the negative, pessimistic inner critic. At least that's the way I view it.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so, while these statistics don't provide a comprehensive picture, they suggest that feeling stuck is a common experience, and the reason why I keep saying that is because when we normalize it and when we realize that we're not the only ones experiencing, we kind of take the power away from it and we go. You know what? I'm not the only one, so there has to be an answer. I'm not the only one who has experienced this, and yet, you know, many humans move past it, has experienced this, and yet, you know, many humans move past it.

Speaker 2:

So the most common internal roadblocks that cause us to feel stuck is lack of self-awareness. Oftentimes we don't practice self-awareness enough, right. We don't visit, we don't come back to ourselves and realize, like, what we're actually feeling or examining how we are emotionally. We don't do that enough, we don't give ourselves that time or create space for that. We just kind of move along through life. We're just going from one instance or one experience to another without fully examining or taking stop. So self-awareness, practicing self-awareness, is important. Fear of uncertainty or fear of unknown, that can get you stuck.

Speaker 2:

Lack of confidence, low self-esteem, a negative self-image, perfectionism, as I said earlier, it's just never right and you're consistently starting over, all the time, over and over again, trying to get it just perfect, only to see that, as you know, a lot of times with perfectionism, most of the time, we don't get much done Right. So it's because we're navigating this thing, we're kind of perfectionism. I view it as like a loop. You know you start off with a positive mindset, you want it done right, we say all the right things and then we go okay, well, that's not good enough, let me just polish it a little more, and then a little more. And then we look at the finished product and we go, well, that's not right. And then we start over again. It's like this cyclical battle and you're just spinning, it's like a tailspin and it's never right. So the all or nothing thinking we talked about that, that fixed mindset where we're thinking, well, if it doesn't happen this way and I got to put more effort or if the journey doesn't lead in this direction and it goes just right, then it must not be meant to be, or whatever. And so we have that mindset that'll keep you stuck.

Speaker 2:

Negative self-talk, as we said, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of success. There are people who don't even realize that. They are afraid to be living in that next level or actually accomplish success, and you have to examine for yourself why that is. Everybody has a reason why they fear succeeding in life. For me years ago, it was fear of success. For me when I first started off in my career meant more responsibility for other people, like my clients and things. I didn't want to fail them. Responsibility for other people like my clients and things. I didn't want to fail them. I felt responsible for everyone else, um, and when I didn't do something right, it would cause me to to fall back and away from, you know, actually being a good coaching practitioner or at the time of being a good employee or whatever, because I didn't want to take on that much responsibility.

Speaker 2:

And then a lot of times we look at success. As you know well, I have to mourn what I leave behind. There are a lot of times where, like, success will bring me to a new level, right, or in a new space or place around new people. And then it's that unfamiliar territory that we're afraid of. It's like being in uncharted waters and we're familiar with this comfort zone or this quote unquote comfort zone. A lot of us call it a comfort zone and it's just, it's not comfortable at all. We're just familiar and we don't want to, you know, go into a space that we don't. The unknown right it's the unknown is scarier than the familiar for a lot of us. So that can do it.

Speaker 2:

Inertia or resistance to leaving one's comfort zone that is absolutely one of the roadblocks to moving forward and can keep you stuck. People pleasing and prioritizing other people's needs over your own can keep you stuck. People pleasing and prioritizing other people's needs over your own can keep you stuck. Black and white thinking, seeing things only as either extremely good or severely bad, with no middle ground, no gray area. That can keep you stuck Overthinking. I can keep you stuck overthinking guilt, especially if you're considering change in your life and you. There's one example when we were doing a relationship group with some couples, there were a lot of partners with their spouses that said I felt guilty for wanting more, or I felt guilty for wanting to make changes because I felt like I was being greedy or something like that. Or I felt guilty for asking for what I needed in the relationship. So it happens in our careers as well. Maybe there's a specific industry that you're in where you care for others, or teachers or nurses. There are a lot of people who felt guilty because they wanted a career change and they felt like, well, I'm leaving some people who need me behind, and that can keep you stuck.

Speaker 2:

Following a crowd instead of your own path can keep you stuck. So I always tell my kids this Sometimes you have to forfeit doing what's popular in order to do what's right, and that decision may not make you the most popular kid right. It may not make you the most popular, but you will always have your integrity right. So I shared that with my kids because they would always say, mom, something happened and I don't want to tell, I don't want to say or I don't want to get this other person in trouble, and I will always encourage them to do the right thing Right. So sometimes we have to do that. It's hard but you know you have to do that. So but following the crowd can keep you stuck.

Speaker 2:

Some of us are right now surrounded by individuals and on the inside we are miserable with this group or this attachment of these connections. We are miserable and we've probably been members of this group or members of this network of individuals are connected in some way and now it's just like you've outgrown them or I don't know. You're just like I don't know what it is, just not every time I'm around them I feel sick, or I feel you know way down, or I feel like I'm being delayed here, or I feel like I've outgrown them. Sometimes you know we we have that happen. So when we follow a crowd and that crowd has this certain type of mindset, oftentimes if you're not careful, you'll adopt that groupthink kind of situation with them and you know inside that it's time for you to go and you've outgrown the situation, or you know it's wrong, but you will go along because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. You don't want to, you know, you don't want to be the only person that's leaving. Or I've had people say, oh, now you're going to quote unquote jump ship. Well, you know what? Yeah, I am, because the ship is sinking. Put me on the life raft, get me out of here. Right is sinking. Put me on the life raft, get me out of here, right.

Speaker 2:

So you have to examine who you're attached to and what that connection looks like, and if it's no longer serving you, or if it's negative, or if it's hurting other people or even hurting yourself, if it's hurting you, it's time to go. And then lack of clarity about where you're headed in your life or where you want to go in your career, or even lack of clarity on your values, can keep you stuck as well, and so you have to revisit that. You have to understand who you are at your core. Maybe there's some belief systems that you're attached to right now that no longer serve you. They're antiquated right, they're outdated, or it used to be this way then, and now it's something different. Now or now you have more knowledge right and more information, and so because of that, you know you know better. When you know better, you do better. Yes, so lack of clarity about your values can also keep you stuck.

Speaker 2:

And then, finally, imposter syndrome. I know a lot of you've heard this before. And finally, imposter syndrome. I know a lot of you've heard this before. There's a lot of different opinions about it. But for those of you who know for yourself that you've actually experienced imposter syndrome and you're feeling like I feel out of place here, like I'm not good enough, or I feel like I got this position or I'm in this situation, I'm going to be found out that I'm not as good as I supposed to be, or whatever. That can make you feel stuck as well. That can keep you stuck as well.

Speaker 2:

So, to combat this, you absolutely want to realize what's happening in your inner dialogue and you want to also take some steps to remedy this, because if you don't, you'll just kind of go through that cycle over and over again, right? Self-reflection, clarity, challenging negative thoughts, taking small actions forward and, of course, seeking support from individuals who are equipped to help you. That could help you address these internal roadblocks. Okay, so start by with self-reflection on your own situation. We can't change anyone else's, but we absolutely can make some changes to our own.

Speaker 2:

So take a moment to identify the root problem of this. Understanding like what's not working first will always enable you to create a plan to address it. So make sure that what you're seeing as a problem is really an actual problem. I tell my kids that I would say solve the problem, but before you do, is your problem? Is the problem the belief that you actually have a problem? Right, maybe that's the problem, the belief that there is a problem, or if it is an actual problem there, now you can see and fully understand what it is. The only reason why we get stuck there is because we haven't fully examined it. Because once you examine whatever the problem is, then you can say well, here are some steps I can take to remedy the problem, or I will elect someone who's equipped to help me to solve it, and nine times out of 10, we can do that. We have the ability to do that.

Speaker 2:

So start with self-reflection and start with understanding what's working and what's not working for you. Letting go of the past, oh my God. I don't know how many times I've spoken about this because I've experienced it myself. I've experienced this over and over in different seasons of my life, so it's not always the same situation either. A lot of us, we go back to certain situations that happened in one area or one season of our lives, and then, as we grow older, there's some new things from the past that we revisit, right. So you want to free yourself up from past failures. First of all, take the personal part of it out of it. You experienced failure. You are not a failure. Yeah. So past mistakes and failures and you want to adopt a fresh perspective and also a hopeful outlook, because oftentimes our mistakes and failures may not have felt good, but boy did they offer us wisdom that we would not have acquired had we not gone through them. So you want to sift out the good stuff and what happened then and what you've learned from that, and move forward with that right, instead of just revisiting oh, this was bad and I remember when this happened over and over again.

Speaker 2:

We also have to be careful that we don't um, we don't celebrate the terrible stuff. Sometimes we will amplify just the bad news or the bad things and we totally forget that we've triumphed over them. I don't know what that is. A lot of us experience that. I had a friend of mine who said that I don't know what it is, but I go back over that scenario over and over again and even though I successfully moved on from it, I just had the habit of revisiting, like going through that really painful experience over and over again. So we worked alongside one another through that, and it may be different for you.

Speaker 2:

It may be that you're revisiting something from the past because you feel like you've left something back there, or it was a mistake and you feel regretful for it, or you haven't fully healed in that area, or you've buried it, you suppressed it and you haven't worked through it with a counselor, with a therapist, and sometimes we can't let go of the past because we're not clear about where we're headed in the first place. There's something happening in our present that just keeps us idling, and so there's nothing moving us forward, nothing inspiring or encouraging us to move forward. So we keep going back. I often have people from my past who see me. If I'm, of course, not traveling for work, I'm not doing something, and I will go back to my hometown.

Speaker 2:

People from the past see me and then they absolutely believe they're speaking to the same individual from 20, 30 years ago, which is always mind blowing to me, because I've evolved so much from the person that they used to know and they want to go back down memory lane with me and talk about all these things. And there are some things that I will allow. Some people will kind of want me to revisit certain stuff, like things in high school, things in college. But I have set healthy boundaries for what I will discuss when it comes to things that I revisit. And it's not just for me, it's also to convey to them that I have full authority over who I give permission to revisit and have reflection with. You know what I mean, because not everyone who comes back into your present or comes back from the past is there to positively speak into. You know what I mean. You have to be very careful.

Speaker 2:

A lot of times people want to go back because they want to remind you of something that was not so good and it gives them some type of enjoyment or some type of sick, you know um, pleasure, right, and they want to revisit that. But I immediately take full authority over the conversation and I bring it back to the present and say, well, it's good seeing you and glad you're well and I'm gone, right. So there's no reason for me to give them permission to go back there, because it's not for them to. You know, they don't have the authority to do that. I didn't realize that until I continue as a practitioner myself, helping clients through this and also, you know, just continuing to acquire knowledge and to grow, I didn't realize that I was able to do that.

Speaker 2:

So, no matter where you are, whether you're young and in high school or you're in college or you've moved on from that area of your life to something else, doesn't matter. You don't have to allow anyone to come into your present and bring you back to something that used to be painful for you. A lot of people think when you do that, oh, it must be still painful for them and everything. No, it's just I've moved on. Right, that's what moved on looks like for many people. They just go yeah, I've moved on, I'm happy, and you know, I've learned from what I needed to, from that situation, and I don't need to revisit it or even dig it up and it's dead. It's a non-issue anymore. And the real question is why do you have to revisit it. It has absolutely nothing to do with you personally, right? So that's often weird, and so I also have learned to.

Speaker 2:

In these instances, you want to let that quiet hang there. Let that awkward silence hang there, because it often teaches them in that moment like, wow, I introduced this into the conversation, like this is my mouth doing this right now, and I'll just kind of look at them odd and I'll wait for a second just to see if it will register for them. You know what I mean. If there's an inkling of growth anywhere in them, they'll go oh, we don't have time, they'll try to move on from it. But yeah, so you don't have to do that. You don't have to give people permission to keep pulling you back to a specific time and space that you've outgrown, mistakes you've made, or a low time in your life or when you were a different person and you have healed from that. You're brand new now, so you don't have to do that. Wow, I'm glad I revisited that. That was great, it felt good. I'm glad I revisited that. That was great, it felt good. So maybe that something.

Speaker 2:

I'm pretty sure the reason why I zoomed into that is because somebody needed to hear that you want to identify your desires and goals and you want to be able to clearly articulate them. That will also help you to get unstuck. A lot of times, we think our desires and goals are the same from three, five, seven, 10 years ago, right, and we think, well, I just have to stay in this lane. Well, not all the time. It's not altogether true. There are times when you will exit and move into a new direction, and that's great.

Speaker 2:

So, taking the time to examine whether or not you desire what you used to, or do you still want, this particular thing, maybe it's time for you to see whether or not this goal or this particular destination or this kind of relationship or this career path is what you truly still want. And if it isn't, then it's time for you to have some clarity about what it is you truly want right now, in this part of your life, in this time in your life, and then move toward that, take steps to move you toward that. You know in that end, but you want to be able to clearly articulate what those are from today, not from the person you used to be Right or when you. You're probably no longer the person you were. When you. You're probably no longer the person you were when you were in college, or no longer the person you were when you graduated college, or no longer the person you were when you got that first job or in that first you know whatever or in that relationship. Maybe you've changed and evolved and you've grown and you've outgrown the situation and you want to take the time to determine what brings you fulfillment and what your priorities are now, and maybe it's different. But you won't know that until excuse me, you won't know that until you do that excavation work within yourself, and sometimes it takes a little bit longer.

Speaker 2:

This is not something that for many of us, it takes some time to think about what it is. That's why coaching is great. That's why working with my group clients is awesome and they're able to do that. I have many people who are midlife and they've been in their careers and their relationships. Let's see 15, 20, 25, maybe even 30 years. They're in the establishment stage of their lives and they come to me and say I no longer want this, or this has changed, or I've moved on from this and I want something else. So we come alongside them in their current reality and help them to navigate this so that they can move forward. So once you've established your objectives and you consider the small steps that you can take to make progress, then you move on from it. You move forward. Here's something that's really amazing Change your music playlist amazing. Change your music playlist. Change what you watch and what you listen to.

Speaker 2:

Oftentimes altering just those things can have a positive impact on your mood and it'll help you to focus on your present. I've had many group clients who were in their early twenties and they're they're often either millennial or younger and I've said when's the last time you've started your social media over, like you've deleted everything and started fresh with new people, new friends? Or when's the last time you've created a new playlist or you've altered what you're watching? And they'll look at me strange and go I've never done that, it's the same thing that I had before. And blah, blah, blah. And then I'm like do that? See what happens? And I've had many of them say it is the most refreshing thing that they've experienced or that helped me so much in my life thing that they've experienced or that helped me so much in my life I didn't even realize that I had become stuck or jaded because, or stagnant because I was scrolling through the same crap bull. Excuse my language, but it's true it's bull. Some of it's bull, a lot of it's bull crap. Okay, so change it up.

Speaker 2:

Maybe invite some new, more positive options to your list. Maybe, instead of reading the same novels and stuff, maybe read a biography or listen to a different type of music, or instead of just binge watching like I used to. I love reality. I listen. There's some trash TV. I have some guilty pleasures too. Okay, there's some stuff that I will watch and I'm like my daughter and I were just sitting there, we're just watching it. But sometimes, you know, watch a documentary or something that will offer you some knowledge about a subject that you, you know. We've always wanted to learn something more about that and, you know, maybe learn a new skill, or learn a new language, or learn to play an instrument or to knit, whatever. Inviting these new things will help you to hit the refresh button, and that's always good for your mind. It's always good for the brain. You want to engage in physical activity? Okay, I have proof of this. You can look on my blog.

Speaker 2:

I loved exercise when I was younger and then, for a specific period in my life. I hated it, right, because I absolutely stopped being active, because I would either stand or sit when I worked, stand in front of groups or crowds or sit at a desk all day. And when I realized the impact that it had on me, I remember feeling so stuck in my physical health and also feeling stuck with my you know, with my mental health, and it was all because I was inactive. But when I started moving again, my mind became clearer and it provided a fresh new perspective. So I started stretching and then I did yoga. I started to dance again, meditate and pray again, but I didn't just sit there, I would walk. I had prayer walks instead of laying prostrate all the time. My meditation was in my walks as well. I would just zone into wherever I was and I would go on nature walks. And I started to engage in physical activity, so much so that I didn't even realize that I was walking miles. And now in one session of walking I can do seven miles. And I never thought I was able to do that Right, I was never. I never thought that and I hadn't done that since I was like in high school or whatever.

Speaker 2:

So engaging in physical activities can help you feel prepared and help you to face your challenges more. It gets the blood circulating, it gets your heart beating and your physiological body needs that movement, and that will help you to get unstuck as well. Believe it or not, Getting enough rest will do it too. So if you find yourself unable to break free from feelings of just being jaded and stuck, you want to consider changing your environment. Change your environment, change your connections, and it doesn't have to be drastic changes, you guys. It can be small, mini changes until you work your way into a new zone that will help you to move forward.

Speaker 2:

And remember, feeling stuck is normal. Mostly everyone goes through it. You're not alone, but it doesn't have to define you Right. It's normal, it happens, but it doesn't have to be a permanent fixture in your life. Your self-talk, articulating your goals and your desires and becoming clear about who you are and what your values are, adjusting what you see and what you hear and what you listen to and what you watch and what you read and what you consume on a daily basis, you can create a different level. You can create progress in your life like you've never experienced it before, and this all takes practice right.

Speaker 2:

So if you want to come alongside us, help you to want us to come alongside you and help you to move forward. Just join the A-suite. We have an incredible system that will help you to do that. You don't have to wait on anything to be mailed to you. You don't have to sign a contract or anything. This is one of the best first steps, the best first leaps that you can make for yourself. It's an investment in you and you have the power to move forward and to overcome the feelings that you're experiencing feeling stuck, feelings of failure and doubt, no matter what area of your life you experienced them in and also taking the full authority over that inner critic. You have authority over that. Okay, so we can help you to do that.

Speaker 2:

And one of the first things, one of the first mini leaps I have a jump starter, which is the A-suite. It's a flat rate every month. It's a flat rate every month and you go in. It's virtual 24 seven. You go in, you log in and you will see um, the actual system. There's a um when you go into the, the dashboard, the membership dashboard. Excuse me, I want you to be sure I was saying what it actually is now, because we've made some changes.

Speaker 2:

There'll be a recommendation or a list of recommendations or steps that you can take first, and in that list or the recommended curriculum, the system for this will help you. It'll be right there in there, okay, so again, over the cost of a coffee, maybe a day each month, you can have this come alongside you. There's some coaching on demand in there. There's some amazing reading lists. We also provide you with access to more resources, some downloadable tools that you can have for yourself, and we have a gratitude journal in there. You don't have to buy one. We have different planners and worksheets in there for you so that you can do that awareness, self-awareness work and that excavation work I spoke about earlier. You don't have to reinvent the wheel. Just show up with your favorite beverage your coffee or your tea, and a pen and paper and just print them out, print your stuff out, put your earbuds in and go to work and you can spend 15, 30 minutes an hour, whatever out of your week, or even daily if you'd like, and begin to do that inner work for yourself so that you can move forward.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so I'm so glad you guys are here. I'm glad you're back. I'm glad we're back. I'm glad we're back. I'm glad we're able to help you. You're going to see a lot more changes. We're upgrading a lot of things.

Speaker 2:

If you go to the website AlyssaAvenuecom, you will see how you can sign up for the A-suite when we open the doors for the membership again. So get on the list and you can sign up. Right now it's at a discount and then but only for a limited time and the discount rate you can absolutely. If you sign up now for it, when we do open the doors to the membership and the online portal or the online dashboard for the online suite, your rate will be locked in. So when we get a price, when the price hike happens, it will not affect you, for those of you who sign up right now. Price hike happens. It will not affect you For those of you who sign up right now, in between the time that I'm saying this, of course, when you listen to it, and the time you open the doors. So make sure you go over to the website. If you don't see the opt-in, go ahead and get on the newsletter and we will acknowledge the fact that you have become an A-lister and then we will send an email to you when we open up the doors and if you say I'm on your list, we will give you the discount.

Speaker 2:

Okay, so I'm glad you were here. I'm glad you've spent some time investing in you. We're always here for you and we can't wait to hear your feedback on what we are changing and the things that we are upgrading. We're also going to have some free resources available in our blog soon. Our free blog will have a paywall for an exclusive blog as well. Y'all, we have a lot coming, so stay tuned. Okay, thank you so much for being here. I look forward to hearing from you and always be kind to yourself.

Speaker 1:

See you sooncom. Follow us on Facebook. At Facebookcom slash Alyssa Avenue and on Instagramcom slash Alyssa underscore Avenue. Until next time.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Alissa Duhon

Host